Celebrity Status

As I write this sentence, Bill Clinton is inside my university’s basketball stadium giving a free speech to the public (for once he is the one giving). As you can tell, I decided to stay home and save myself the opportunity of hearing another politician blabber about nothing for an hour. To be fair, I do respect the guy, but he’s just on a campaign trail for his ‘wife,’ Hillary. In my opinion, Bill could have had butt sex with the goatse guy and Hillary would still stay with Bill if she ever wanted a shot at the presidency - but this is aside from my point. What I really think is interesting about this momentous occasion is the anticipation.

The day of Bill’s arrival, everyone in school transformed into pre-teen Hanna Montana fans. Every crowd you passed by had the same topic of discussion, Bill Bill Bill. It’s not as if Bill was about to recite his equivalent of the Gettysburg Address. His speech would be no more profound then one he would give at a banquet fundraiser for blind people. The whole student body was too star-struck to care, but why?

This whole Clinton ordeal has led to an interesting social experiment. This coincidental experiment proves that people just wanted to be in Bill’s physical presence. Unlike most celebrity appearances, something of greater value is given to the audience. By ‘greater value’ I mean greater than the satisfaction of seeing the celebrity. When Hanna Montana fans go to Hanna’s concert they are presented with noise that they consider music. Bill’s event is more analogous to Paris Hilton reciting the alphabets in front of city hall. My fellow schoolmates weren’t looking forward to a speech with substance they are looking for Bill.

Why do we mindlessly flock after celebrities? A sociology major could give a good B+ answer to this question. More importantly, how can we use this human tendency to our own advantage? We learned from Bill’s appearance that people would flock towards a celebrity regardless of whether that celebrity has anything to offer other than his or her human flesh. Using this knowledge, you can easily get a girl at virtually any party.

First, have ten or so of your friends show up at the party before you do. As you enter, fashionably late, have all your friends parade around you as if you’re their best friend they haven’t seen since high school. After about ten minutes of this exercise you’ll turn into a mini celebrity. Girls will be naturally drawn to you for the rest of the night… and after that you’re on your own buddy.